Every Single Day

 

Dear Reader,

I am not feeling it today. 

5th day of blogging, and it is feeling like a chore.

I am still in bed; I woke up at 10:30 🕥 ish. Heavy body. Mind devoid of motivation and filled with lingering images of bad dreams.

Luckily, I wrote this blog:

Casey Neistat in My Mind - was written to remind myself to ask: what will Casey do, when I feel stuck and cannot or don’t feel like doing ALL The Work to activate myself. 😩 

With this year’s blogging though, I would like to compile, document all the resources I have been given, all the knowlegde, tools I have acquired to be able to tell myself: you know what to do, dear Joanna.

You Have It ALL In You.

These exact words are the words my therapist Marjon, said to me in our very first session, and she kindly reminded me the entire year (November 2022-December 2023) I worked with her.

Before any therapy starts, part of the procedure in the Netherlands is answering a set or multiple sets of questions to determine what treatment fits your needs. At the very beginning, when you meet your prospective therapist, you will be asked why you are seeking therapy, what your background is (personal history) and therapy  goals are set from the onset.

After hearing my story, Marjon told me that I am very intelligent, resilient and resourceful. A strong survivor.

The unuttered thoughts in my head (which I shared later on with her) as I thanked her for her generous, kind words, were : so, why do I still think of ending my life every single day?

Every. Single. Day.

Let’s fast forward to today: 12th February, 2024.

How am I feeling? How is my suicidal ideation being managed?

I am still learning to manage. I understand suicidal ideation better. My tool box is full. 

I’ve had 21 years of working on myself in my belt. The past 5 years, I have seen therapist here in the Netherlands for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. In the last 3 years, I have seen specialists and finally got the correct diagnosis, 2 intensive trauma therapies and one year of therapy that  help me : 1) process my first trauma therapy 2) prepare for the second trauma therapy 3) recognize that The Work I need to do to heal, recover and have stability, will be an ongoing part of my life.

Every single day.

Show up.

Be Myself.

Have Fun.

Repeat.

P.S. I got out of bed midway to writing this blog. I wore day clothes, took my medication  and  sipped a yoghurt drink to start the day (what I hope will animate my stomach  to take fuller meal, later!)