Becoming 52

 Hello dear Reader,

I am watching a film as I write these words. 

Yes. I am one of those modern multiple screen users, I am afraid. 

Is this something I am proud of, embarrassed about or even ashamed to admit ? Honestly, I am near ambivalence. 

I don’t want to be ambivalent about this or any other things in my life, which are important.

Now if it’s  about okras 🫢 , ambivalence may just only be the only precise description I could use! 😬

Seriously, I near that season in my life, when it does matter how I spend my time. It matters a lot, which I give focus on.

In the beginning of Spring, I will be 52 years old. 

January 04, 2024

52 years old. 52 years on earth. 52 Springs. 

52. I never had passion for Math but I love numbers; just like words I am fascinated but what they represent. What they evoke - a sense of calm & peace.

This is why I gravitated back here. Back to writing. Off the cuff.

Writing brings me calm & peace. Sharing it here keeps me connected not only to myself, to who I truly am but also connected outside of myself, to who I would like to be for others and what kind of human being I would like to be in the world.

As I approach 52nd year of my life, I would like to feel all I could feel as a human being and not filter anything for fear of the range of emotions we human are capable of feeling. 

Yesterday, as I ended my blog, I shared that I take selfies/snapshots of things and moments I would like to always remember. Yesterday, I wrote, “I document moments  of Happiness…”

The photo above was taken last month. I used a filter for that photograph  before  I shared it to a group of gaming friends.  The documentation of the  “moment”  took 4 minutes (!!!!) of taking a total of 9 🙈 “spontaneous” pictures.

This was the true “moment” I felt happiness  :

Unfiltered.

Was I still genuinely happy on that filtered 9th version of my afternoon of January 4th happy moment? Yes. I was happy in that moment. I was proud of myself after I saw the results of my efforts with editing- how I can make a picture come alive, as if I was an artist with a brush and vibrant choices of colors. 

I cannot paint a self-portrait of the moment my being felt depression lifted but I was grateful for how technology allowed me to do my self-expression via another form of art medium.

I am having a much deeper happiness now, though sharing this unfiltered picture. The “nakedness” of the photograph from any single editing or addition of filter feeds my soul, too.

Vulnerability.

Spoiler alert: I will be writing at least 52 more 😅😁☺️ of this kind of reflective  HUMAN BEING post. 

Thank you 😊 for sharing your time with me! Let me know what number is significant for you? What’s your favorite human emotion besides Happiness?