Sunday, March 10, 2024

Sadness. Self-Loathing. Self-Healing



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Dear Reader,

I am in psychological pain. I woke up from a series of disturbing dreams. The dreams included people from my past while I was still living in the Philippines.

Yesterday, I found an article I have yet to read in full.

I saved it on my blog, where I am recording my step by step process to heal and recover from agoraphobia. The article was the first to pop up, after I typed in :

Source : …overcome Self-Loathing 

Pain indeed can tell you something if you listen to it and stop ignoring it, pushing it away or distracting yourself away from it.

I made it bigger for myself to aid me in times of dysregulation

Source: Dysregulation

My preliminary diagnosis from the current professional mental health (4th of March) experts I am consulting is : Borderline Personality Disorder. This has been very disturbing and upsetting to me, and this is the first time I am admitting it to myself since I heard it beginning of the week.

Sadness 💙 💭 

I have been trying to use the method I learned from YouTuber Heidi Priebe in being with and processing of emotions I usually simply ignore.

This is what I did after I woke up, I was desperately trying to shove away all my emotions and it made me feel worst and started building up more anxiety.

Luckily, Marjon (my therapist from November 2022-December 2023), spoke in my head, and said:

1. Open the door for Little Joanna; let her in.
2. You have it all within You; you can heal.
3. You are strong
4. You are intelligent
5. Have compassion for yourself.

In the throes of yearning for “someone else” to take my pain away, make me feel accepted, nurtured, I became blind to what Marjon kept trying to remind in her most compassionate way the entire year we were together: 

I recognize now the source of my sadness: self-abandonment.

Source : Stop Self-Abandonment…

Self-Loathing 🧠 💭 

After Sadness, Anger usually follows and that’s one of the emotion, that I am terrified of.

I have tried to articulate it again and again for the past years to the therapists I have seen between 2020-2024.

I don’t remember ever mentioning  self-loathing in those talks but now I realize, my anger directed to myself is something I have never truly reflected on. Until now.

I woke up from disturbing dreams about my father taking interest in me processing my sexual abuse trauma in his hamds.

The therapist in the dream was a narcissistic dominant female in the image of all dominant female figures I feared.

I felt helpless, alone, and there was this rage inside me I couldn’t let out.

Source: …Dorsal Vagal Shutdown

Self-Healing 🧘🏻‍♀️ 

✨🥰✨👭🏻 💕 

This is why I am here, now.

I would like to let out all my emotions the only healthy and helpful way, I know how:

1. Write as honestly as possible about what’s going through my head.

2. Connect genuinely with my inner child by letting her know - I am here now for her. Show her: I get it. It’s up to me to take care of her needs. I will not abandon her, anymore.


So. That’s how my Sunday morning began. I opened the door 🚪 to my Joanna. I am a mom to my daughters and my eldest will be 25 years old in Autumn. I still have a ton to learn to be the mom they deserve. Learning to be good to Little J will take twice as long. Both endeavors are worth living for.

How’s your Sunday morning?