Oh, What A Beautiful Morning!

 Dear Reader,

The sun is shining in Ankeveen! 😄🌞💛

I have not been outdoors on my own for months;  2-3 months, I guesstimate 🤔 

View from our bedroom window at 10:58

It’s very long story to tell for another time. I need to briefly write about it though to give you context and understand what this blog is about. 

One of the many reasons I am back here is because of my current situation. I struggle with going outdoors  and I never truly took the time to address this problem (isolating when I feel stressed). It’s chronic and has affected my life seriously, that I have been getting sickness benefits since Spring of 2021 to help me get into the core of this unhealthy coping mechanism and overcome it.

This week (before it ends!😜😅😆), I would like to go out again, and document about my process. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. So, besides the

  ABC my way back to blogging ***, I plan to make short and simple blogposts of my walks. “Daily” is the target 🙈 but the main goal is to reframe my brain 🧠 to see going out as fun and not dangerous. 

The brain needs a strong motivation so I will give the blogseries a title Walk On Through To The Other Side, inspired by The Doors’ song Break On Through.

How do you motivate yourself to go outdoors? I will be documenting my motivation in the next 21 days. Walk with me!

*** I have not tagged my posts yet, and will do so in the future; I will compile the ABC 2024 blogposts  to make it easier to find them for myself and readers, who stumbles upon them.

Nijntje in the Garden

The youngest lying in our backgarden, last year May (31.05.23)

 Dear Reader,

Yesterday I introduced you to a mobile game I play (Merge Gardens blogpost).

Today I give you a small peek of our back & front garden.

July 2021
We hope to bring back the garden in this verdant state, this year. 

Nijntje is better known as Miffy, internationally.

That’s all for today. 😊

Come back next time for more garden, Nijntje and stories behind old family pictures.

Merge Game

 Dear Reader,

Today. I introduce to you a game I have been using to override the business of my brain. This is not a sponsored post. I simply like this mobile game, and witj this (possibly a series!) blogpost begin documenting everything I love about the game.

I like it for many reasons:

1. The Garden theme resonates with me because I would love to spend time in the garden when Spring begins. The visualization of that goal becomes easier through this vividly colored images.

2. The Categorization & Organization - if you’re familiar with merging games, you would know that merging 3-5 of the same objects will create a new object that will go on to create the next object etc.

3. The Completion and Culmination - it takes a while to complete a set but it is very rewarding when it happens.

4. The Puzzles 🧩- in between you could do puzzles. They’re integral to leveling up and getting rewards.

5. The Compliments - at first, I honestly found this part tedious 😝 😆 BUT 😂💕 I grew to love them

6. The Challenge - the puzzles are not always easy and sometimes they’re frustrating because this part of the game obviously are geared to make you watch advertisements. 

7. Rewards, Gifts etc

In summary, there are enough source of entertainment in the game.

Next time, I will share about my “egg collection” and creatures in the garden.

Are you playing merge game? Let me know which and what are things you like about it !

Love for Lists

 Dear Reader,

Today is the 12th day in a row, I am showing up for myself using blogging as a tool to help me on my path to (CPTSD) recovery.

Ate soup that I cooked 2 days ago, even if I did not feel like eating. I felt a sense of pride. Even if I asked my middle daughter to warm it up for me, I didn’t feel completely helpless. I can put today - a heavy day - more in better perspective.

A nice motivational quote from Daylio. It’s one of the reasons I love using the app. The quote that randomly pops up almost always resonate with my current state of mind.

The quote above popped up on my Daylio (mood tracking app) after I posted my journal there, a minute ago.

It’s now 22:40 (10:40 pm; I like the military system of telling time, which I got in the habit of doing ever since I‘ve moved to Europe, more than 3 decades ago!) and I dread sleeping because of the return of bad dreams.

Anyway! I am here. Once again helping my brain 🧠 be in a better frame of viewing life, the world, the present and the future.

Whenever I find myself  in a dark mindset, and I have more energy that I am able to write (today is not that day 😝 but in the spirit of this blog project I am squeezing 😂 what I can out of my brain!) something positive to lift myself up, I create lists!

I still dream of running another marathon- it would be my fifth. It’s still a very long way towards the starting line of that impossible dream but it’s one of those things that keeps me going. 

The list I am making tonight though is not about which marathons I would like to still run but it’s a list of list! 😬

I am refraining from making plans because it’s counterproductive at this point in my recovery. Still, I can create many lists to entertain my mind.

A List of List

1. List of Places I would like to visit in the Netherlands 🇳🇱 

2. List of Cakes, Cookies I would like to bake for my family 🍪 🧁 

3. List of Filipino 🇵🇭 Dish I would like to cook 🥘 

4. List of Running Events 🏃🏻‍♀️ I would love to run again.

5. List of friendship 👭🏻👫🏻 I have which impacted my life positively

6. List of mentors 🤓😎I have had through the years

7. List of silly 😜🥸🥳🤣 things I would do when I have recovered 

8. List of poems I would like to memorize by heart 

📝 ❤️ 

9. List of activities/adventures I would like to experience with my beloved P🥰🥰

10. List of experiences I would like to share with my daughters 👩🏻👩🏻‍🦱🧒🏻 💕 

What’s on your List of Lists? Let me know when you wrote yours!

KISS

 Dear Reader,

Yesterday was the first blogpost in this year’s series, without any kind of text from me. It was published 1 minute to midnight because I almost decided to stop blogging, again.

Source  

Whenever I feel overcome with self-sabotage my brain flashes this acronym: KISS.

So, that’s what I did 5 minutes to midnight.

I didn’t lack anything to write about. But that critical voice in my head was chastising me from day 1 of my return here: you have nothing worthwhile to write and share; you should shut up.

Yesterday, the Critical Voice wore me down. I felt that childlike creative part of me, who craves the simple moments of creation go into shutdown. She disappeared.

Luckily, de gezonde volwassene ( as term therapists taught me ) took over 5 minutes to midnight.

Excerpt from Schema-therapy according to Wikipedia.  

• Healthy Adult is the mode that schema therapy aims to help a patient achieve as the long-lasting state of well-being. The Healthy Adult is comfortable making decisions, is a problem-solver, thinks before acting, is appropriately ambitious, sets limits and boundaries, nurtures self and others, forms healthy relationships, takes on all responsibility, sees things through, and enjoys/partakes in enjoyable adult activities and interests with boundaries enforced, takes care of their physical health, and values themself. In this schema mode the patient focuses on the present day with hope and strives toward the best tomorrow possible. The Healthy Adult forgives the past, no longer sees themself as a victim (but as a survivor), and expresses all emotions in ways which are healthy and cause no harm.

5 minutes to midnight. It was a close call.

I showed up for myself. This is the core of this year’s blogging and to be honest it’s how I want to continue not only in blogging but in my life. 

Keep showing up. For myself.

Keep it Simple, Self!

Je bent, wie je bent

 

I like Science

 Dear Reader,

Yesterday, I was Home Alone and very productive.*

Today, I woke up very clear headed at 6:42 am, and felt proud that I fell asleep last night before midnight (23:30ish?) while listening to a sleep meditation.

I got to chat with P before he went off work butfell back asleep without a memory of saying goodbye to him. It was almost 12:00 when I woke up after a very bad dream. I called P (he is off to Belgium) because I missed him and needed to hear his voice to comfort me because the residual discomforting memory of the bad dreams feel like it will dictate my day.

This was my way of taking out a tool in my mental health upkeep toolbox.

I am now almost calm on our couch, watching a podcast of one of my favorite YouTuber filmmaker Dawn aka The Minimalist Mom. She’s with Michael Easter, who will share how Science can help us live healthier and meaningful lives.

Sipping my tea, I contemplated whether I will write what I loosely composed in my head yesterday (how I came to love Science as a child but a series of childhood traumatic events impacted me and my ability to connect to anything besides the subject I excelled im: English).

The bad dream changed my mind. 😝 

I am aware in order for me to keep healing I need to process all my traumatic experiences. But today, I would like to be kind to myself. I need a break from processing bad experiences. 

My start of my therapy at ACTP (Academic Center for Trauma & Personality Disorder, located in Amsterdam) has been delayed because the therapist in charge of my case, has suffered a concussion.

I feel sorry for him. I tried to not feel ashamed of feeling sorry for myself.

The incident actually helped me focus even more on to the other tools I already learned from my therapist in the Zorgkliniek:

1. Take care of my very basic (physiological) needs. (Maslow’s Pyramid)

Source

2.  Activate myself  (Polyvagal Theory)

The polyvagal theory: New insights into adaptive reactions of the autonomic nervous system

This is an article of Dr Stephen Porges, who developed the Polyvagal Theory

3. Do grounding exercises several times a day.

4. Meditate daily.

5. Continue mood tracking.

6. Journal.

7. Cultivate my (inner-circle) relationships.

The day before I started blogging here again, was the day I got the  call that I need to wait at least 2 more weeks to know how things will proceed with ACTP.

So, I got on here. I decided to help myself while I am waiting to be helped.

There were a lot of Science stuff that helped changed my traumatized mindset and brought me “here” - I regained back my brain. It’s still a long way to go but Science (amongst others) is there to grasp to when I start floundering.

Also, our cats.

Harry’s meowing made my heavy body feels lighter and I stood up to let him in. He was dried up (rain rain rain ☔️ 😆 just raining 😄 the last days) , fed and now cozied up with me)

Do you like Science? What’s your earliest memory of Science helping you out in your (daily) life?

Home Alone 🏡 💕

 Dear Reader,

Are you excited for the weekend? I am. My family and I will have dinner together and I am looking forward to it.

Pieter is at work, J eldest has moved out of the house (3 years, 2 months ago - she recently moved again, and now living with her boyfriend ), K is at her boyfriends’ place, and M is at school but will be staying with her boyfriend and his family for a few days.

This means, I am home alone 😃 ! 

I am keeping this blogpost for today short.

There is a video inserted below- I have never done this before (upload a video directly to blogger; I used to do it via YouTube and insert link here) and curious if it will work out!

I am having more fun now with my return to this blog. There are many things I have learned about blogging since 2006, and many things I have learned about myself since then as well.

See you tomorrow!

Good (Morning) Brain!

EDITED 22:22 (Postscript updated )

Dear Reader,

Happy Valentines Day❣️

As I write these, my brain is rejoicing over these facts:

1. Pieter passionately kissed my semi- conscious self 🥰 goodbye before he set off for work.

2. I have taken my meds before 11:11 (my usual alarm) 

3. I slept almost 7 hours, and

4. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t wake up from a very bad dream.

5. With this post, I have blogged 7 days in a row 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

6. I am finding (new) purpose each single day.

7. I truly understand what suicidal ideation is.

8. I am eating breakfast in bed.

9. I am seriously planning on attending a yoga class, Jilly invited me a month ago to join her. (This is a breakthrough for me because of my brain & body’s resistance to plan anything social outside of my family circle. Planning anything worsens my state of mind.)

10. I will get in touch with at least 2 friends, today.

11. My telephone conversation with the insurance doctor of UWV, last Monday.

12. I have conquered my telephone anxiety over answering No Caller ID calls 😂 😆 😝 (it was the UWV insurance doctor ).

13. I am slowly learning about self-trust.

14. I am determined to focus on learning how to love myself.

What 14 thoughts 🧠 💭 did you wake up to?

P.S. ❣️ I have not forgotten what I wrote yesterday- share a blog with details over my 12 Newness project inspired by Beau Miles. 

Building  a loving relationship with myself moving forward 😄 means - specifically when it’s in connection to blogging! - I will adjust my schedule accordingly and not put myself under unnecessary pressure just because I wrote somewhere I plan to do it at a certain time!

This is not work. 😝 

A small reminder to myself ☺️😌 not to sabotage a hobby and tool, that’s been a huge help in the past. 

. 

Fun Down Under

 Dear Reader,

Occasionally, I will write blogs that are inspired on the spot.

The Title of this post sets the mood. 😄 I feel lighthearted, ready for silliness and this is almost always how I feel whenever I have seen films from Beau Miles.

I am watching his YouTube playlist “The 12 Days Of Newness”, after I have watched 2 parts from a series of his most latest film project.

Pieter, my partner introduced Beau Miles films to me a couple of years ago. He bought a canoe, and searched for tutorials on making paddles. 

Beau Miles is a great story teller! He is a great teacher, too. What made me subscribe to his YouTube channel in all honesty is his passion for running and his filmmaking.

We binged on his films,  got inspired by his creativity and enthusiasm. 

So! Without overthinking it, I will write down my list of 12  Fun New Things I will try myself, this year:

1. Get My Hair Dyed Blue (December)

2. Watch A Stand Up (August-November)

3. Fill Our House with Balloons on My Birthday (March)

4. Go Dancing With Pieter (May)

5. Have A BBQ get together (July) with Friends

6. Go On a Spontaneous Trip With Pieter (June) 

7. Have a Day planned by Jill (October)

8. Have a Day planned by Kim (August)

9. Have a Day planned by Mary (November)

10. Go For A New Year’s Dive (January 2025)

11. Visit a Friend Abroad (February 2025)

12. Have High Tea with The Family (April) 

For details of everything on the list, stick around this year! 😁😘☺️

Every Single Day

 

Dear Reader,

I am not feeling it today. 

5th day of blogging, and it is feeling like a chore.

I am still in bed; I woke up at 10:30 🕥 ish. Heavy body. Mind devoid of motivation and filled with lingering images of bad dreams.

Luckily, I wrote this blog:

Casey Neistat in My Mind - was written to remind myself to ask: what will Casey do, when I feel stuck and cannot or don’t feel like doing ALL The Work to activate myself. 😩 

With this year’s blogging though, I would like to compile, document all the resources I have been given, all the knowlegde, tools I have acquired to be able to tell myself: you know what to do, dear Joanna.

You Have It ALL In You.

These exact words are the words my therapist Marjon, said to me in our very first session, and she kindly reminded me the entire year (November 2022-December 2023) I worked with her.

Before any therapy starts, part of the procedure in the Netherlands is answering a set or multiple sets of questions to determine what treatment fits your needs. At the very beginning, when you meet your prospective therapist, you will be asked why you are seeking therapy, what your background is (personal history) and therapy  goals are set from the onset.

After hearing my story, Marjon told me that I am very intelligent, resilient and resourceful. A strong survivor.

The unuttered thoughts in my head (which I shared later on with her) as I thanked her for her generous, kind words, were : so, why do I still think of ending my life every single day?

Every. Single. Day.

Let’s fast forward to today: 12th February, 2024.

How am I feeling? How is my suicidal ideation being managed?

I am still learning to manage. I understand suicidal ideation better. My tool box is full. 

I’ve had 21 years of working on myself in my belt. The past 5 years, I have seen therapist here in the Netherlands for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. In the last 3 years, I have seen specialists and finally got the correct diagnosis, 2 intensive trauma therapies and one year of therapy that  help me : 1) process my first trauma therapy 2) prepare for the second trauma therapy 3) recognize that The Work I need to do to heal, recover and have stability, will be an ongoing part of my life.

Every single day.

Show up.

Be Myself.

Have Fun.

Repeat.

P.S. I got out of bed midway to writing this blog. I wore day clothes, took my medication  and  sipped a yoghurt drink to start the day (what I hope will animate my stomach  to take fuller meal, later!)

Daylio, Divergent, Divorced.

Dear Reader,

I have 3 confessions, today:

(EDIT : Before I continued with writing I literally had to look up the meaning of “confession” to make sure it’s the word describing how I am feeling.)

Off the cuff blogging 

I feel this is not entirely truthful. Off the cuff means no preparations, and when I think - and I do this A LOT 😝- about blogging, I have to admit I have been doing this in my mind even when I stopped blogging.

So. Most of what I have been writing and will write are things that’s been on my mind but was unable to articulate in words and/or I could but cannot face in printed words even as a personal journal.

No monthly blog theme

There isn’t. But at the same time there is. 

It’s actually something I did as a child when I was very anxious but didn’t even know what it was I was feeling, or I didn’t know the state I was in had a name.

I either recited my ABCs or I counted, or later on I do ABC but this time I name anything starting with the word A, then B etc.

Before I started the draft for this post, I edited the titles of my 3 previous published blogs, so all of them will now be alphabetical.

There. I said it 😜🤪 my 2024 blogs are again attempt to ABC, and 365 my way to life.

Have Fun

I don’t know how to have fun. Well, at least that’s what my brain 🧠 tells me constantly 🤣 

As I write this blog, my inner critic is torturing me. 😆

Part of my 2022-23 therapy process was learning about IFS - Internal Family System. I will write about this next week, Friday- if you know your ABC, you would say: of course it will be on Friday!

I do know how to have fun but I feel I can’t have fun. I feel I cannot allow myself to have fun.

Hence this blog.

Permissions

This return to blogging is me giving myself permission to do many things I somehow withheld from myself.

It’s a very long list, folks! 🙈 

Oh! Before I end this blogpost, I wanted to address the title I assigned for today.

It’s a reminder to me to celebrate who I am, what I have accomplished the last 5 years, and to focus on the healing path. The title is almost my subconscious mantra, whenever I become mired in self-doubt. It activates me to move - literally! - and remind me to love myself first & foremost. The title is my permission to just BE.

Daylio - an app I have been using since October, 2019!to monitor my mood stability ; it was also a tool to help me to stay in  the present moment and set realistic mini-goals to keep me on track.

(Neuro) Divergent - this is new terminology for me. New not in terms of time or comprehension but more integration in my life.

I screen grabbed articles that seems helpful to illustrate what I myself  am still trying to integrate in my consciousness. Defining what I struggle with helps me find tools I can use to self-soothe when my inner critic screams at me and as a result I get immobilized.

Divorced.

Yup. 

This story of this process deserves  a separate page. 

I can’t summarize this saga in my life in one sentence nor use keywords. 

Reading the word divorced is both liberating and gut-wrenching.

Defining one self is a challenging task. Is it rewarding? Is it ever definitive? I am finding out answers while I tread the path each day to teaching myself about being human.