Rumination, Regrets, Resolutions

 Dear Reader,

Today, I am staying in bed out of compassion for myself.

Source : Daylio

Creating the blogsite to write about the history of my agoraphobia, and how I will step by step conquer it has awakened a very strong resistance in my whole being.

Learning what I have learned in therapy and from all the resources out there about this anxiety based disorder, it’s a natural reaction. My body is trying to protect me from what it perceives as me putting myself in grave danger.

Source : Article on Dorsal Vagal Shutdown 

I couldn’t sleep last night but thankfully by 2 am mental exhaustion from unending rumination sent me to a slumber filled with series of dreams that woke me feeling I was back in my home country. 

Luckily, I was able to process the dreams quicker than I normally could and had a brief but deep moment to appreciate the early morning. The exposure made me promise myself to make more effort in consciously waking up before 7 am. There is something special with being awake between 6-6:30 am.

Caramel, one of our four cats cuddled with me and that helped calm my nervous system.

I asked the young to take care of the groceries being delivered. Afterwards I wrote the older girls to ask when they were coming. Today is their crochet day; I love it that they have a Crochet Club and how they arrange crocheting together to have quality time together.

Source: Daylio

Seeing them and their love, their fondness for each other, and hearings their laughter behind the door fills me with a deep sense of happiness.

Their shared joy together helps me let go of all my shame, regrets that I was not able to seek professional mental help before I became their mother.

2020

I hope to look back to today within any regrets. My resolution is not to judge myself too much for times I let rumination take over completely that I get exhausted and paralyzed. I am doing my best every single day, and I can’t ask my body for more than it can.

How do you help yourself process regrets? Do you catch yourself in ruminations?