Daylio, Divergent, Divorced.

Dear Reader,

I have 3 confessions, today:

(EDIT : Before I continued with writing I literally had to look up the meaning of “confession” to make sure it’s the word describing how I am feeling.)

Off the cuff blogging 

I feel this is not entirely truthful. Off the cuff means no preparations, and when I think - and I do this A LOT 😝- about blogging, I have to admit I have been doing this in my mind even when I stopped blogging.

So. Most of what I have been writing and will write are things that’s been on my mind but was unable to articulate in words and/or I could but cannot face in printed words even as a personal journal.

No monthly blog theme

There isn’t. But at the same time there is. 

It’s actually something I did as a child when I was very anxious but didn’t even know what it was I was feeling, or I didn’t know the state I was in had a name.

I either recited my ABCs or I counted, or later on I do ABC but this time I name anything starting with the word A, then B etc.

Before I started the draft for this post, I edited the titles of my 3 previous published blogs, so all of them will now be alphabetical.

There. I said it 😜🤪 my 2024 blogs are again attempt to ABC, and 365 my way to life.

Have Fun

I don’t know how to have fun. Well, at least that’s what my brain 🧠 tells me constantly 🤣 

As I write this blog, my inner critic is torturing me. 😆

Part of my 2022-23 therapy process was learning about IFS - Internal Family System. I will write about this next week, Friday- if you know your ABC, you would say: of course it will be on Friday!

I do know how to have fun but I feel I can’t have fun. I feel I cannot allow myself to have fun.

Hence this blog.

Permissions

This return to blogging is me giving myself permission to do many things I somehow withheld from myself.

It’s a very long list, folks! 🙈 

Oh! Before I end this blogpost, I wanted to address the title I assigned for today.

It’s a reminder to me to celebrate who I am, what I have accomplished the last 5 years, and to focus on the healing path. The title is almost my subconscious mantra, whenever I become mired in self-doubt. It activates me to move - literally! - and remind me to love myself first & foremost. The title is my permission to just BE.

Daylio - an app I have been using since October, 2019!to monitor my mood stability ; it was also a tool to help me to stay in  the present moment and set realistic mini-goals to keep me on track.

(Neuro) Divergent - this is new terminology for me. New not in terms of time or comprehension but more integration in my life.

I screen grabbed articles that seems helpful to illustrate what I myself  am still trying to integrate in my consciousness. Defining what I struggle with helps me find tools I can use to self-soothe when my inner critic screams at me and as a result I get immobilized.

Divorced.

Yup. 

This story of this process deserves  a separate page. 

I can’t summarize this saga in my life in one sentence nor use keywords. 

Reading the word divorced is both liberating and gut-wrenching.

Defining one self is a challenging task. Is it rewarding? Is it ever definitive? I am finding out answers while I tread the path each day to teaching myself about being human.